“Is anyone getting service right now?” – You, at the beach.
1. Your anxiety over running out of battery is real and debilitating.
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2. So you always have a charger on you, and have no problem seeking out the closest outlet.
(Or asking your waiter if he doesn’t mind charging it for you.)
3. God FORBID you leave your phone at home.
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Basically, you’re going right back home.
4. Your friends, family, and significant other have accused you of not “being in the moment.”
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5. But you argue that you ARE in the moment — it’s just that the moment is made up of a really engaging text conversation.
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6. You’ve laughed out loud or gasped about something you read on your phone, and then tried to explain it to the people in your company.
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(Unsuccessfully, of course.)
7. You sleep with your phone in your bed, and it’s the first thing you grab in the morning.
8. You take your phone to the bathroom.
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9. You whip out your phone for that brief moment of service when you’re crossing the bridge on the subway, even though, like, what are you going to do with those two minutes.
10. You’ve walked into something or someone while texting.
Or, WORSE, while scrolling through Instagram.
11. You’ve paid obscene amounts of money to use your data abroad.
12. Or, if you didn’t, you still absent-mindedly opened apps even though you knew nothing would load.
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13. Speaking of apps, you live your life — exercising, eating, list-making, picture-taking — by them.
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Who knew there was an airhorn sound effect app, and who knew you needed it?
14. You don’t remember how you ever got around without looking at a blue dot on a map.
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15. You’ve committed the unconscionable sin of sneaking a text in a movie theater.
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16. It takes all your energy not take your phone out during dinner because WHAT IF YOU’RE MISSING A TWEET OR A “LIKE”????
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17. And there is nothing more disheartening than checking it (three minutes after you last did) and finding ZERO notifications.
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It’s almost as if the rest of the world isn’t living their lives with their phones in their hands???
18. Your most-used phrase is “I just need to look something up real quick…”
As if prefacing the fact that you’re taking your phone out again makes it any less annoying for the people around you.
19. You used to dream about getting away from it all, but now you’re quick to ask what the service is like at any rural destination.
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20. And the idea of being without a phone for even a day while waiting for a replacement is enough to send you into hives.
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21. Your thumbs have gotten sore from texting.
22. You’ve installed more than one photo-sharing app, and you have ideas and beliefs about when to use which.
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Is this an Insta selfie or a Snapchat selfie?
23. You’d sooner stay home than go to an event that restricts phone usage.
24. You don’t know the last time you turned it off.
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“Airplane mode” doesn’t count.
25. And you barely have memory of life before it.
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26. It’s just that sometimes, you genuinely find your phone more engaging than the rest of the world!
But don’t worry: At least you’re not alone.
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